Drown
by Kittygurl1111
Summary: Years have passed since Nate River solved the Kira case and he is regretting some of the choices he made, Implied NearxMatt.


A pale white man stepped out of a pure white limousine and onto a pebble paved sidewalk, the man was wearing shoes, completely white ones – like everything else about him other than his eyes… He seemed somewhat awkward walking in the shoes, or perhaps it was just walking in general. Years had past since Nate had solved the Kira Case, he was now 25 and actually looking like a grown man, standing at 5'9" and 110 pounds. Closing the door he followed the path to a private graveyard, probably the only graveyard Nate had ever visited in his life. Typically the male didn't hold anyone close, because all the people that he had left him and were never coming back. Softly the male closed the door, he was stuck in memories of the past, and they seemed like nightmares now. He just wished Matt would come back, though Near knew it was too late for thinking like that, it had been for a while but it still didn't stop him from wishing. The white haired male stopped in front of four graves, the only graves that were there, each had a letter: L,W,M,M. The graves also had names below that in a smaller font: L Lawliet, Quillsh Wammy, Mihael Keehl, and Mail Jeevas. Coal eyes loitered sorrowfully on the last gravestone.

Mello really had gotten what he wanted in the end, he had ruined Near's life; made him loathe every single millisecond of his dreadfully lonely and horrid existence. It was the blonde's fault that he had started wishing it was all over. Near wasn't sure when he had started wishing that he was dead just about every moment of his life, but it felt like an eternity since he was last happy. Dark eyes looked up at the sky, trying to fight off the bite of tears threatening to escape in his eyes. It was a rather gloomy Sunday, the sky was a blue-gray color, looking as if it wanted to rain and a slight wind had been blowing on and off all day. Once Nate regained his composure he looked down at the grave, the pale male didn't much believe in an afterlife, he could be put under the category of Atheist, but he really hoped there was something after death. Silently, Nate placed a small bunch of little white flowers on the edge of Matt's grave and turned to go.

Near stopped abruptly as the wind picked back up and messed his curly pallid hair up more than it had been already. Near could vividly remember the day it happened… He had been putting together a puzzle that was missing a single piece. He knew Mello was going to die, he was sure of it, he could just tell by the News that was being reported on the rather large plasma screen behind him. It was a total shock when a second male was reported, so of course he looked around to see Matt. Near was probably in shock at that time because he knew exactly what was going to happen, he felt as if he couldn't quite think fully and he didn't feel like he was all there as a cold feeling passed through his body. Matt was going to die. Near knew this yet he couldn't really react to it, he just stared and watched. Shaking the memories away, Nate walked back to the limo and opened the door.

The male stepped into the limousine and sat there quietly, simply staring at the seat ahead of him, he made no attempt to pull the door closed.

"What's wrong?" Roger questioned, he'd never really called Near by a name for he didn't know what to call the younger male.

"I can't atone for my sins…" Near said, it was almost shocking to hear that come from the male's lips. "It's gloomy." Nate said changing the subject without giving Watari enough time to respond to his rather depressing comment.

"Watari… It's too gloomy today…" Near said nibbling on his lip as he looked up at the grayish-blue cloudy sky through the open door.

"'Too gloomy today?'" Roger questioned in surprise at the male talking to him like that.

"Yes… It's gloomier than it should be today." Pale white fingers twirled a piece of white hair as he continued looking out.

"What do you mean, sir?" The so called Watari questioned the younger.

"I'm not sure, it just…Feels wrong." Nate paused for a moment, "My lungs have been hurting all day as well, perhaps I should have brought my inhaler." The pale boy had been diagnosed with Asthma at a young age, it was one of the one reasons he avoided sports and outside in general.

"Will you be okay, sir?" The older male asked as blue eyes looked in the mirror to see the younger.

"I don't believe it's an asthma related problem, they've simply felt..." Near paused thinking about how he was going to word the sentence, it felt like they were full of water. "It has been somewhat hard to breathe all day." Near said as his eyes moved to look up at the seat Roger was in. "Do you think, perhaps I'm finally atoning for my sins…" The boy said, his tone was obviously full of thought. Then a somewhat annoyed tone washed across his face, "No, I've been doing that for years."

"I wonder if there's an afterlife." The male continued with the dark thought process.

"Afterlife?" Roger questioned, a disturbed tone was weaved into his voice rather bluntly.

"I'm going to die." Near didn't specify when because he had a guess that that day was today, "After I die, do you think there's anything after it?" His tone so resembled the male's old idol's the real L Lawliet's.

"I believe that there is and that you will get sent to heaven." Ah, he was religious, Near never asked, he hadn't really cared.

"Heaven? You honestly think I'll make it to heaven? Even with all these sins piled on my shoulders?" Near pondered out-loud for the older man to hear.

"Sins?" The old caretaker questioned and silently awaited an answer from the younger.

"Yes… I don't think I'd go to heaven… Life's cold judgment is too unfair to send me there." To be with Matt, though Near didn't continue the sentence. Nate knew Matt and Mello's deaths were his fault, he knew he could have stopped them, yet he didn't. "Do you honestly think that I'd make it through this and go to heaven? There aren't enough prayers in the world to save my soul." Nate typically wasn't religious, he simply knew a great deal about religion and he honestly hoped there was something after death, but his logic told him otherwise.

"I don't understand what you are referring to…" Watari questioned as blue eyes continued to watch the colorless adult.

"I see…" Nate fell deathly silent for a moment, "Do you think it will rain? Maybe it will drown out that sound." Near said still in thought, he was sure he was hearing things that weren't really there, because he had been hearing things from the past, from when he was still in Wammy's, the sounds of toys, crying, the clock that ticked rather loudly, the faint sound of video games and the snapping of a chocolate bar. "It's so loud, like I'm still there…" Near said as he nibbled on his pale lip again.

"Still where? What noise?" Watari asked a sudden alarm was rather apparent in his voice.

"Noises of the past…" Near mumbled as he listened to what he was sure was his mind playing tricks on him. "I hope it rains, I don't like the noise." Nate said the thoughtful tone still in his voice but this time a somewhat distressed tone was laced in there as well, he knew he probably sounded like a total loon.

Roger tried changing the subject a bit instead of staying on that rather disturbing one, "It is forecasted to rain, sir."

"How wonderful." Near continued to twirl the pale white hair, it was a habit the man had, he did so when he was nervous or thinking, this time it was the latter. "I'm still happy either way. Perhaps I will get into heaven…" Near said rather monotone, he might have been happy but it didn't show. "It's all coming to an end soon…" The rather angsty adult didn't give the older male time to respond instead he continued, "Everything ends and leads to a new beginning, it's the natural cycle of life, a plant will grow until it flowers then it releases seeds and dies, the dead corpse of the plant decomposes to help the spawn grown." Near muttered mostly to himself, it was almost as if he wasn't really talking to Roger but instead himself.

"The hotel." His voice lacked any compassion whatsoever as he sat into the seat and pulled the door closed.

"Yes sir." Roger replied and started back the way they had come from. Near didn't buckle his seat belt up, as if trying fate, he typically did use seatbelts but this time he didn't care. Nate stared out the window past the closed and tinted window to watch cars go by. He had a rather eerie feeling that this would be the day that he'd die, he had been feeling like it since he woke up as well.

Nate River didn't say anything else he just silently sat in the back watching cars and scenery fly past his window. The male was happy and somewhat scared… that was rather rare, Near had only recalled being scared a few times back in Wammy's, (not that he could remember all the times,) Mello found it fun to shove Near's head in the toilet, it obviously bothered the pale boy but the day the male had graduated from that stage and had actually held him under the water until he choked scared Nate half to death, every time Mello did that Near would find himself struggling against the older boy and probably motivating him to continue.

~ Shinigami World~

Roger Ruvie- Car crash at 10:45.

Nate River – Drowns at 11:10

"Things have gotten… Rather boring." A cackling shinigami said to himself as he pulled the pen away from the Death Note.

Nate had been wishing for years that he'd just die. Pale fingers were curling a piece of white hair when it happened, he hadn't really seen all of what happened he just remembered lurching forward and hitting the seat ahead of him – oh and who could forget the sickening crunch that was sounded as Roger's head collided with the side window as the limo got chased off the bridge and into the water below. Annoyance showed as Near regained himself and found he was not dead simply bleeding from the side of his head.

"Watari?" Nate's tone was perfectly composed even thought he was in a car that was quickly sinking underwater. He wasn't shocked or even bothered when the older male didn't respond. Black eyes stared at the water that was filling in the car. He'd always been curious as to what drowning was like. Yes, Near had been around the situation of nearly drowning, well it seemed like it when it came to the times Mello had held the boy under the toilet water until he choked. Nate sat back in his seat and pulled the seat belt on with a soft sigh and closed his eyes.


End file.
